Snarky Git Convention
by Playing Hooky
Summary: Gregory House and Severus Snape meet after several years of stalking each other. Who will win? No pairings


DISCLAIMER: None of the characters or anything belong to me.

A/N: Just a little one-shot in response to jesusfreak100percent's challenge:

**Writing Challenge - for all those who love House and Harry Potter!!**

**I want a fanfiction where Snape meets House. Simple enough. That's really it... I see it as a one-shot, but if you manage a multi-chapter story, even better. There isn't a lot more to the challenge. No slash, please... I don't know, I don't see either of them as slash characters. I mean, I like canon, and House and Snape aren't slash in canon... Other than that, I'm pretty much giving you free reign... so, basically, I want Snape's snarkiness and House's sarcastic wit to come together.**

Setting: 2003. House and Snape are 44 and 43 respectively. Harry would be 23. Chase (25) is House's only fellow. Snape never died.

* * *

House walked away from the lecture hall as fast as he could with a cane, not wanting to risk bumping into _him_. What was he doing here, anyway? Couldn't that damned grease ball stay in his side of the planet? If there ever was somebody he could hate more than Philip Weber, then this must be it. House had been hoping that, after all the conflicts going on in England, maybe he would never have to see his ugly face again. It wasn't really too much to ask, but no, he never got what he wanted. Ok, so maybe that was a lie. Heh heh.

So distracted was he, thinking about all his past victories, that he actually _did _bump into somebody. Oh, god, not him. He looked at the man's pale face, hooked nose, lank hair, black eyes, and uneven teeth - visible through the sneer he was now wearing. Yup, it was definitely him.

"House," he said with that annoyingly silky voice of his.

"Snape," grumbled House, not even attempting to hide the hostility he felt against this jerk.

Their stare match was gaining the attention of the people near them, but neither man seemed to care.

"Did you find my presentation interesting? Or was it too much for your underdeveloped cerebral cortex?"

"Not at all," answered House before adding with an ironic tone of voice, "to both questions."

"It surprises me that you would attend a lecture when the subject is obviously not of your interest. After all, you wouldn't be so pathetic as to come here just to spy on an old rival. Surely, you are above such things!" he added faux incredulous for extra effect.

"As it happens, I work here. Not that you could possibly comprehend this, but some of us use our medical degrees for _useful_ things, like.. I dunno... saving lives, maybe?" House continued on with wide eyes and a deceivingly innocent tone of voice. "I do wonder, though, what an experienced and well-renowned individual like yourself would be doing here in plain, old New Jersey - a place where, funnily enough, an old enemy of yours lives. After all, _you_ wouldn't be so pathetic as to stalk me, would you? _Surely_, you're above _that_, at least."

Snape arched an eyebrow before finally smirking and holding out a hand for him to shake. "Ah, the same Gregory House that I remember. It truly has been too long."

"Not long enough," House contradicted, but shook his hand and grinned. He knew only three people that could actually compete with his sharp tongue - not necessarily win, of course. Old Sevie Poo was one of those, along with Wilson and Cuddy. It really was refreshing, if slightly annoying, to banter with someone his size. In more ways than one - Sev was as tall as he, and they probably weighted the same, too.

In fact, they shared more similarities then they would ever dare to admit. Both were military brats - to different armies, but still. Both were sarcastic and snarky, with no social life to speak of. And, more strangely, they were both wizards. Now, to a muggle such as yourself, it might seem as if the weird part of the statement was the _wizard_ part. No, that is in no way as surprising or peculiar. What _is _strange is the fact that, despite belonging to the Magical Community, both men had chosen a muggle profession. The _same _muggle profession.

Gregory and Severus first met when they were eleven, a day before Greg's 12th birthday. John House had been stationed in England, supposedly for a few months only - but then the letters came. Greg was not particularly shocked to find out about magic, but his parents were. They refused to let him attend Hogwarts, which led to a tremendous fight between John and Greg. It ended after he pronounced those five infamous words: You are not my father. He was so angry, that he stopped talking to his son for the entire summer. He agreed to send him to Hogwarts, just to get him out of his sight (with the one condition that he keep up with his 'normal' schoolwork).

His mom took him to a place called "Diagon Alley" to buy his school material. And that's where he met Severus Snape. They became instant enemies - it would've been even more obvious if Greg had been sorted to Gryffindor; the rivalry between that house and Sev's (Slytherin) was well-known. Instead, he was sorted to Ravenclaw. In more than a few occasions, both boys would forget their hatred for each other to fight together against their mutual enemy: James Potter.

After 3rd year, Greg was forced to leave Hogwarts, but he continued learning magic, and practising with his wand whenever possible. He eventually got his OWLs and NEWTs and was able to use magic without getting a warning from whichever-country-he-was-in's government. In Japan, he discovered his true vocation, and magic became nothing but a hobby (and a quick and effective way of finding the remote control and going from one place to the other).

Then - surprise, surprise! - they met again in med-school. Sev was working towards his Potions Mastery and Phd and couldn't do this, with the threat of war hanging over his head, in England, so he transferred to Michigan for his final year. At the time, Greg was finishing up with his studies and writing a thesis about the possible effects of magical residues on infected animal cells. It was a success - too bad it had to be modified for the eyes of muggle employers. Anyhow, they didn't meet again after the end of the year. Until now, that is. They would occasionally hear about the other's recent work or discovery, of course, but that doesn't count.

"So you work here, then - presumably doing something more important than finding the cure for Lycanthropy?"

"I'm the Head of the Diagnostics Department, with the best Diagnostic Team in the country. You may have heard of me before."

"That I have! I have also happened to hear that this great two-person diagnostic team is, in fact, the _only one _in the country. No wonder it is the best." House glared at the greasy git, knowing Snape had won that one.

"What is that thing on your face, Snape?"

"Where?" He looked at his face reflected in one of the many glass walls, hoping he wouldn't find a smudge of food or ink on his face. How embarrassing! Had it been there during the lecture?

"Right there. That big, ugly thing that goes down from between your eyes to right above your mouth. Can't you see it? Anybody could see that all the way to the parking lot; maybe you need glasses." House smirked as Snape's face turned red. Before he could think up a biting comeback, Greg turned around and limped away from the room as fast as humanly possible. Later that day, Wilson and Cuddy would wonder why House was in such a good mood and, hadn't he noticed that his office was completely covered with green jelly?

Chukling on his way out, a very satisfied Severus Snape wrote down something on a post it note, which he then stuck to the outer side of the jelly-covered, glass door.

House - 386

Snape - 387


End file.
